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What if Donald and Hilary were not presidential hopefuls but finalists in the world’s worst tour guides. Who would get your pick?

hilary1Hillary: Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to The Nasty Woman New York Bus Tour Company. My name is Hillary and if you look to your left, you’ll miss me entirely but what you will see is the New York Stock Exchange, the perfect place to start our tour of this great American city.

Unfortunately, because of security issues, the public are no longer allowed into the building, but let me tell you, it is beautiful in there. I have been in there a lot. In fact, I have my own suite in there, where I sometimes go and have US dollars rubbed into my skin. It feels nice. If you ever get the opportunity, which you won’t, you should definitely try it….


trump1Donald: Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, congratulations on choosing Trump Tours today. It is a very wise choice, a beautiful choice you won’t regret because I know tours. I have the best tours. Now, before we start, it’s worth taking a look over your shoulder and you can just make out the head of the Statue of Liberty there. Very popular with immigrants but not a looker frankly. Also, millions of men have already been inside her, so … not a great piece of ass by any means.

Frankly, I prefer my women a little more feminine, which is why we’re here outside this rather grey-looking building on East 59th St. This place, Number 5, nine storeys up, although it doesn’t look like much now, was once home to my good friend Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Club. In the 1970s, believe me, it was unbelievable. A tremendous amount of beautiful women, half-naked, dressed as bunny rabbits – beautiful. You could just go in there and grab them by the pussy and nobody complained. Things were better then. Trust me….

hilary1Hillary: Just ahead on your right is the Bellevue Hospital Center. A beautiful building that was actually founded on March 31, 1736. It’s the oldest public hospital in the whole of the United States and we’ll be stopping there for just an hour or two, just long enough for me to have a full-body blood transfusion.

After that, we will be stopping off briefly at New York City Servers, a business deep in the heart of Manhattan where you can, if you wish, purchase your own private server. This can prove very useful if there’s anything that maybe you don’t want falling into the wrong, tiny little hands, because you can’t be too careful these days. Am I right? Which doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong. Of course not. Just because you go to a lot of trouble to hide things does not mean you have anything to hide….

trump1Donald: New York City of course a great place for spotting celebrities if you’re interested in that kind of thing. We’ve just passed The Spotted Pig here in the West Village. It’s no coincidence of course that The Spotted Pig is one of the favourite restaurants of both Rosie O’Donnell and Alicia Machado. I don’t mean anything by that – that’s just a fact.

Related:  CHEF WARS

Also, just a couple of blocks from the Empire State Building, we’ll shortly be making a quick stop at La Crasia Gloves. One of the most famous glove-makers in the world. They actually made gloves – the glove, for Michael Jackson, as well as all the superheroes – Batman, Superman, Spiderman – all of them. Plus what they do, which is important if you happen to have huge hands, which I definitely do – what they do is they measure the hand, so you know that the glove is not going to be too small. It has to be big enough to fit around the giant, thrusting, powerful fingers. Just saying. Huge fingers. Huge.

After that, we should have time to stop off at Cosme, without doubt the best Mexican food in New York City. Enjoy the food by wall means, but whatever you do, be very careful not to make eye contact with the waiters. They’re rapists.

hilary1Hillary: Now, we come to the end of our tour, back where we started on Wall Street. Aaaaah, Wall Street. If there is any finer street in America, I don’t want to know about it. You know, there are some people in this great country who want to build walls. This country doesn’t need more walls. But it does need more Wall Streets. Imagine if every city in the United States had its own Wall Street – what a country that would be.

Now we’re pulling up just outside the Wall Street Humidor, New York’s most exclusive, private member’s smoking club with the finest cigars in the world. My husband had an intern with a penchant for cigars, didn’t you Bill. Yes there he is everyone, he’s responsible for our public relations aren’t you dearie.  You won’t be allowed in to this club, I’m afraid, but that’s where I’m headed because if you can’t beat them, and I have no intention of trying, then … let’s smoke.

Thank you for your kind attention. That’ll be $200,000 please, the account number is actually the serial number on your ticket. Aren’t I clever.



Karl is a freelance writer having worked across a range of fields from journalism and novels to comedy sketches and scripts for BBC Radio 4, Warner Brothers and the British government.

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